Remember the arrows

Earlier this week I had the opportunity to chat with a mentor, teacher, and friend. I expressed some honest truths about the emotions I’d been experiencing lately and how they were affecting me. In my gratitude, she offered a non-judgemental perspective and open ears to listen to what I had to say. She responded by validating my emotions, and this was validation I didn’t know I was looking for. 

I walked away from the conversation feeling “better” and having more clarity in the moments following. With awareness of my “desires for validation”, I also recognize when things are challenging, validation can be a mood changer, and as it did in my recent experience, it can create a ripple effect of inspiration, motivation, and creativity. 

Later that evening I was taking a shower letting my thoughts run like the water pouring around me. My thoughts were charged by the water with curiosity, inspiration, and an openness to the unknown… Many profound thoughts come to me in the shower, I think water is a divine portal— more on that later. 

While letting the clarity of the water guide me, I thought back to the conversation with my mentor from earlier that day. In expression of my struggle, my suffering, I realized I had reminded her of an experience from the recent past that I perceived as a roadblock to my growth, again. As a friend she again, validated my emotions and experience without judgment and gently nudged me to keep an open mind. In knowing her, I am so thankful.  

In reflection of my own actions and perspectives, I realized I was holding a grudge from the experience.

Earlier during the same day, a different friend, mentor, and teacher offered me a new way of thinking about the word “remember”. She explained how “remember” when broken down really means “to carry again”. This of course relates to how I was choosing to remember my past experiences, and how I was choosing to carry the emotional attachment and fall victim to the cyclical thoughts about my past. Rather than remembering to honor the experience so that I can let go and set myself free, my habits of remembering kept me tethered to an ineffective emotional cycle and redundant train of thought. 

In practice of compassion for myself, I acknowledge there is truth in how the event rattled my trust in a relationship & environment that at one point felt safe and stable. The situation challenged me. There is also truth in my expression of grief as I move beyond “the way it was”. While standing in the shower I recognized that while all of this can be true, I don’t have to carry the weight of it any longer. I can choose to remember in a way that allows me to release negative/ toxic attachment and see the lesson as an opportunity to learn. 

Just as the water rolled off my shoulders and down the drain, the weight of the grudge that was once so much heavier nearly dissolved. I decided I no longer wanted to feel the extreme heaviness of the emotions I had been experiencing since the event shocked me. As time continues on, I want to be open to remembering the experience as a lesson that evolved my way of being— in confidence, light, and truth. 

There was familiarity in that moment with clarity in my mind and a steadiness in my heart as I discovered more of my truth. I have experienced similar cycles of suffering and slow evolution many times in my life in different scenarios. Remembering the Buddhist parable of the double arrow, it describes how pain is inevitable, and extended suffering is optional. The first arrow of pain likely stems from an event that cannot be controlled. The story goes on to share how the second arrow is optional— that our interpretation and attachment to the events causes more suffering. 

I could allow myself to feel the weight of the experience repeatedly, letting my suffering continue each time I let that second (third, fourth, tenth) arrow paralyze me. Or an alternative, I can choose to recognize my pain, and then move beyond those limiting beliefs— my limiting beliefs— that create suffering. It’s a both/and situation… I can recognize (and honor) my suffering, while still choosing how I respond to it, and eventually, move beyond it. There is so much truth in pain/suffering, yet in learning to see the silver-linings, there are lessons that replace my limiting beliefs.  I stay open to expansion rather than shutting down in the struggle. 

As time passes and my experiences diversify, I know experiences of suffering and pain are inevitable. However, I get to choose how my limiting beliefs stem from those transformative experiences. I get to choose how I respond to transformation; I get to choose how many arrows reach me after the first. As I dive deeper into my awareness of my habits, behaviors, and reactions I have the opportunity to continue practicing how I identify the arrows of pain and suffering as they come and practice responding with ease. 

It’s important to recognize this is a practice. There will be initial arrows of suffering in life that may lead to extended periods of processing disillusionment. In those segments of integration and processing, it may take more time & practice than expected to realize that your cyclical thoughts and personal analysis of the situation is the source of additional suffering.  Although exciting, transformational experiences are often uncomfortable. Allow yourself to release expectations and take responsibility for suffering that may cause extra discomfort. 

No one is exempt from suffering, pain, disappointment, and struggle. Each of us has the opportunity to choose how we respond to the situations we endure. We can create a poker-face, fold, or play with the cards dealt to us. As we navigate uncertainties, we have the opportunity to show up authentically or hide away. Mentors, friends, loved ones will validate your struggle because there is truth in it—  so be honest and open. Remember that only you can choose how you respond to the arrows of suffering that follow... 

Thanks for reading! Let’s connect, follow for more ~existential ~thoughts.

Link to resource for Buddhist parable of the second arrow: https://evolvingminds.org.uk/the-two-arrows-pain-is-inevitable-suffering-is-optional/